okay, I'm back again

It is (another) gorgeous day here in Wisconsin and we have all the windows thrown open and laundry on the line. Ruby told me this morning she just wanted to stay home (we had a fun & busy weekend) and I couldn't agree more. So, here we are. I'm getting lots of unpacking (long story) done in between laundry, hug time and helping to tuck babies in.

On my mind lately in Christmas. It is coming faster than I like. Well, not really Christmas, but Thanksgiving and the Craftacular weekend. 3 weeks?? Really?! I dropped all expectations for myself a couple of weeks ago (as far as quotas & my schedule of making) and that has worked out well. I didn't want to stress out during November to meet some goals I set for myself before I knew our household would be sick for most of October. That seemed silly.

I am taking great strides to take care of myself and listen to what I need these days. When I am stressed out, I pray and make some lists about why and how and what is making me feel that way, and try to listen and wait for solutions. When I am crabby I step back and see if I think it will pass or if it feels like something more. When I am tired, I rest. When I am really tired, I cry and rest and pray that tomorrow will feel better and probably eat some ice cream. And tomorrow usually does feel better. See, when I found out I was pregnant I stopped taking my antidepressants. I had been weaning myself off of them for a while, having a feeling that I would be okay without them, and getting the baby news, well, I just quit one day. (NOTE: This is not recommended and I would not suggest anyone else do this. It worked for me but now that I look back there were some small strange things going on that didn't add up...now I know why. :)

I loved my sertraline. (generic Zoloft) Loved it. It came to the rescue when I needed it and took care of some stuff in my body that I couldn't do by myself. That deep sadness lifted, like magic. I was left feeling so much like myself again but also with some nice extra benefits. Those benefits were the reason it was hard to go off of the drug. The little pesky things in life, that can bother anyone to one degree or another, didn't really bother me anymore. I was not like a robot or anything, I want that to be clear, but I was so much more capable of telling myself that it, whatever it might be, didn't really matter. Constantly I said to myself, Let it go, Stephanie. And I would! Those little things people say unintentionally that can hurt your feelings? Done dwelling on that. The tiny stuff my husband does to make me crazy? No big deal. Worrying about my actions pleasing everyone else? Pffft, puh-leeze. It was so nice!! The really nice thing, though, is that after 2 years of telling myself that, I really learned to tell myself that. Like, on my own! What a gift.

There were some times during those first few exhausting months that I wondered if I had made the right decision. Everything is so much harder when you are that tired, you know? The good thing was that I always knew I could go back on them if I needed to. And I still know that. (Zoloft is thought of as safe during pregnancy and I am not trying to tell anyone to go off of it. This was obviously a personal decision that I had been moving towards for a while before the pregnancy news.) It's like a little "get out of jail free" card tucked in my pocket.

I have to say the constant self-checks and self-analyzing that I do now gets a little old sometimes but I really feel like I want to stay on top of my self, if that makes sense. I don't want to allow anything to sneak up on me again. I feel really good about the way things are going. I mostly feel like my normal self, pretty happy with some manic episodes thrown in to keep things spicy.

I didn't sit down with a plan to write about all of this. I had been wanting to share it, as I think being on the drugs helped me learn some really healthy skills that I had never before learned...an excellent side effect if you will, but not today. I sat down to write about how I am glad that once the Craftacular is over I will still have a month just to focus on all things Christmas with my family. And how I am really excited for Thanksgiving weekend and my mom's visit and the Craftacular day. And how we are setting a budget of $100 for each of our kids and how that probably seems like too much to some and too little to others. (it's just right for us.) And how the Advent Conspiracy will play a role in our holiday again this year, and some day I'd like to tell you about how powerful the Sunday at church was last year when they took that collection from us. (the air was thick, heavy, with God. You could almost physically feel it.) (I guess I just told you.)

SO. whew. Now I am done and have to get back to the other stuff this day has for me. Thanks for reading all of this, if you did. If anyone had any of the same experiences or anything at all, I'd love to hear it. xoxo

Comments

  1. You sound very self aware as it pertains to your depression- so good:) I've been struggling with this lately, wondering if it would be beneficial to start medication. I don't have a deep sadness, just feeling complacent, sluggish, and impatient. I'm hoping it's hormonal- we'll see...I hope you continue to feel well:)

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  2. I danced with Zoloft for awhile after my second son was born. Frankly, I didn't notice a bit of difference while on it, and when I told my sister and husband that, they laughed. Cheeky monkeys.

    ErinH

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  3. YOU ARE SO DEAR TO ME. LOVED THIS POST. CANNOT WAIT TO SEE YOU. WHEN ARE YOU COMING OUR DIRECTION?
    XOXO COUSINTINE

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