dying a little bit

We are having another really lovely morning (thank you, Lord).  Or rather, we were having another really lovely morning until it happened.

I was in the shower, taking my time as the baby had just gone down for his nap.  I finished up after about 10 minutes (leisurely for me...normally my showers are less than half of that) and heard the saddest crying.  The big kids were downstairs watching TV (in the lower level...more on that later) so they didn't hear him.  I rushed in and little Nicholas was


ON HIS STOMACH.  Beside himself with upset, lying on his tummy.

My baby.  Rolled over.

He's been "rolling" to his side for a while now and I guess he decided since he's officially 4 months old now, as of yesterday, that he should roll over.  I don't think he was fully prepared for the onslaught of emotions that would go with this new development.

They never are, are they?  And they never bother to ask us first, do they?  sigh.

He was crying his super sad cry and I just scooped him up (I did throw clothes on first, so please don't picture me doing all of this naked.)  I wrapped him in his softest green blanket (you know those really soft and squishy ones) and just rocked him and told him how sorry I was that I was obliviously showering away while he was in the greatest turmoil of his life.  His crying slowed down to those little sad hiccups and sighs that told me how traumatic it all really was for him.  And then he rubbed his face in that blanket and fell asleep.  And then I cried a little bit.

(the big kids were still watching some birthday party for Dora, thank God for Nick.)

You know those 100 thing life lists everyone is doing now?  When I started thinking about what I would put on my list, what I would do if I knew I couldn't fail, my first thought was another baby.

I'm not putting it on my list, though, because we both kind of know, with our heads, that we should be done.  But my heart says something different, I guess.  I am just praying that God shows me what to do with these feelings.  I think it's okay to not get what I want all the time.  I think decisions need to be made with heads and hearts and prayer.  I don't regret us waiting so long to have kids but I guess I do a little tiny bit.  I wouldn't change it, though.

(I'd like to clarify that my "have another baby" dream occurs about 3 years in the future.  I don't want another one right now...no way.)

I also wonder how much oxytocin has to do with it.  :)  Of course, I wasn't breastfeeding while I was thinking about a 100 things list the other day.  (I don't have one, btw, do you?  Do I even want to do 100 things with my life??  Probably but they'd be more like: eat less cake and floss daily.)

All of this because of one little milestone.  What am I going to do when he sits up?  Or leaves for college? 

And p.s.  I wanted to lay him down with that squishy blanket so badly.  Why do babies + squishy blankets have to = very bad things???

Comments

  1. great story. We will all cry when he leaves for college:)

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  2. I for one, say, wipe away the tears and just plan for another one in 3yrs if that's what God gives. Then we can have one together and...maybe it is the oxytocin, but you don't have to decide now. Thank you for sharing your heart with us Steph, after all, that's what we came for.
    xoxo,
    cousintine

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