sad/thankful/sad/happy/tired/sad/repeat

It sounds like my gramma doesn't have much time left.  She has dementia and hasn't been herself for years but still, thinking about her being gone?  Oh, it hurts.

I have to decide if I want to go home and see her or if I just want to wait and go for the funeral. If it was just me, I'd go in a heartbeat.  Making the trip (600 miles, round trip) with Nicholas?  Not so easy.

Just typing that makes me feel like a loser but what if I go this weekend and then she dies next week?  Would I really just turn around and go again?

Okay, just typing that makes me feel even worse. 

How can I not go see her?  sigh.  I will have to keep praying and talk with my mom and husband again tonight.

My sister told me how my cousin reminded my mom that gramma is going to Glory.  Oh, Sarah.  You are so right but it is still so hard.  I can't even think about Sarah without tearing up...she has always had such a strong love for our gramma.  But you know what?  She is going to be with God and what could be better for our little dear one?  It's hardest for me to think about the memories.  She was such a good gramma.  I've missed her for so long and am thinking now that I should have let myself grieve, just a little, long before now.  Maybe it wouldn't feel so crushing now?






I titled my post before I began writing.  I was planning on writing about all the other little life stuff that's been going on but I just don't have it in me right now.

sigh.  my little gramma.  sniff.

xoox 

Comments

  1. oh, I'm sorry. I have a grandma is a very similar state, and it's all so very, very sad. I'm sure your heart (and your mom and husband) will guide you to the right decision for you. hugs to you.

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  2. Oh Steph. I am so sorry. Dementia is a horrible, cruel disease. Praying for peace for you. Love ya!

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  3. I will keep you guys in my prayers. My Grandma was the same way for the last couple of years and it is sad to see them like that AND sad to see them go.

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  4. So sorry Stephanie. :( It does feel horrible to decide how you can fit two separate visits into life . . I know! Was your last visit with your grandma nice? Would she know if you were to come now? I had to make these decisions with my aunt when she died. In the long run, she wasn't well enough to know if I was there. I also wanted to remember her as I'd last seen her, which was happy. I only made the trip to the funeral and I felt okay with that all considered. Listen to your heart, you'll know what's best for you.
    Big hugs,
    Heidi

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  5. No advice, just thought I'd say "chin up" and I hope you find some peace:)

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