pain. itch. you know...

My disturbing/depressing problem is not incontinence.  (Not yet, anyways.)  My cousin Sarah had the best guess although she put it in a way I hadn't thought of.  "Nasty hemmie" were her words and I've come to think of my special friend as more of a misunderstood child...acting out to get attention.

Feel free to turn away now.  You've been warned.

It all started after I pushed out pickles.  A very private area seemed to have a new addition, if you will.  It creeped me out a little bit but never gave me any trouble or cause for concern.  (or the strong desire to rub my butt across the carpeting like a bad dog.)

And then it happened.  A couple of weeks ago I decided that it would fun to stop drinking the water that my high fiber diet requires.  You see, going to the bathroom all day is really a pain in the ass and I was just tired of it.

HA!  Oh, the irony.  I had no idea what a pain in the ass really was, did I?

I will leave out the gory details (as if this isn't all gory enough) but suffice to say that I found myself bolting for the local grocery store the other night looking for some relief.  I had told myself that I would get whatever I needed at a store farther from my home the next day but (butt) it couldn't wait.

Thankfully the check out girl turned a (big brown) blind eye to my purchase and I wasn't too scarred by the whole experience.  One thing that did make me feel even older and like more of a (itchy assed) loser was that I purchased the GENERIC brand because you got TWICE as much for HALF the price.  Oh, Lord.  Couldn't I turn my frugality off for even one minute?  Turns out, no.  I even glanced at the active ingredients and saw "cocoa butter" and had a split second flash of "could I make this at home".


I WISH I WAS KIDDING.  (and, as it turns out, kombucha isn't just for breakfast!)

Anyways, alls well that (back) ends well.  I am feeling MUCH better and will NEVER not drink my water again.

xoxo

p.s.  bonus points if you remember that 80s commercial that the post title refers to.

p.s.s.  Did I really just write about this on my blog?  WHY?  It wasn't my intention.

Comments

  1. Oh dear, you poor thing. A good ole fashion enema would have done the trick. Homemade of course, made of soapy water. Great story.

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  2. You are to funny seester. I think you should write a book! Everyone would want to read it!

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  3. Oh Steph, you are hilarious. You SHOULD write a book like your sister said. I am sorry about the pain. I hope you feel better soon.

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  4. I LAUGHED OUT LOUD AT THIS POST...ESPECIALLY THE PART ABOUT FEELING LIKE AN OLD "ITCHY ASSED" LOSER. I AM ALWAYS TRYING TO CUT CORNERS FINANCIALLY WITH OTC MEDICAL PRODUCTS AND YED TRIES TO CONVINCE ME TO BUY BRAND NAME. IT'S THE SAME ACTIVE INGREDIENTS SO WHY PAY TWICE AS MUCH FOR TUCK'S!!!! I AGREE...YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR IS THE BEST. LOVE YOU AND WILL TRY TO CALL THIS WEEKEND...K. THANKS FOR THE SWEET CARD.

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  5. A book about my hemmie??? It's not that big! ;)

    Glad you all got a good laugh at my expense. :) xoxo

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  6. You so rock for writing about this- I'm in tears. Thanks:) Feel better!

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