worth it

We had 3+ inches cut off of Ruby's little red head the other night and she looks like such a big girl.  She hates tights but loves her new Lands' End dresses so I got her some knee socks and she loves them.  She picked the ones that don't match to wear for her Christmas program today but I didn't mind.  She is such a sensitive little girl.  Something (seemingly) tiny will happen at school and that evening she will burst into tears over how sad it made her.  Her whining is out of control right now.  I am trying so hard to discipline her without hurting her feelings.  Good Lord.  How does that work?  I'm not sure that it does but I know I wake up every day wanting to try again.  She is also very clever and super aware of things around her that are unsaid.  She can be manipulative and likes to pretend she doesn't know what's going on.  She screeches a lot.  She loves potty talk and showing off her booty.  I sometimes wonder if she's normal but am pretty sure she is.  She is a girl and right now I mainly wish that she would willingly wear more than the 3 pairs of pants that she finds acceptable.  (they are not always clean, even though I do laundry nearly every day...not sure how that works, and this causes much drama first thing in the morning.)

James was a total puke about getting his hair cut.  I told him he couldn't be totally in charge of his hair until he's 13 (??  just pulled that number out of my butt) but can grow it longer after Christmas if he wants.  He has to have it cut above the ears, though.  I hate when he looks like one of the Beatles.  (I see my future here.  Clearly.)  I thought he was kind of rude to the hair stylist but she was also egging him on which wasn't necessary.  It was awkward.  He didn't get a sucker.  There is so much hollering and teasing and general boy-ness with him that can drive me nuts...especially when I am A) making lunches in the morning or B) getting dinner finished at night.  Right now I am giving them tick marks every time they are naughty and each mark means 5 minutes earlier to bed.  I feel like for how complicated and swirly and deep Ruby's behaviors and emotions are, James' are equally as simple.  He is rammy, he doesn't like to listen and he has lots of energy.  End of story.  He has feelings, obviously, but they are not all mixed up and soupy like Ruby's are.  I feel like I know how to parent James for the most part and I feel like he responds for the most part...the hard part is consistently doing it.  What I love most about him right now is how we connect over funny stuff that he just gets.  He has a great sense of humor and I so love when he is laughing.  I can be so furious at him but give me some time (like a night of sleep and some quiet) and I am right back to just wanting to show that kid so much love and be a fair and good mother to him. 

Nicky just called me from his crib...MAMA!  He never calls me mama so believe me, I sprinted up there.  He nods his head yes and no now for everything and I love communicating with him that way.  He is still nursing but I had no milk for him last night.  I was so sad.  He was signing more and shook his head that no, he didn't want a sippy cup...just pointed at me.  :(  I think I was stressed (I'll get to that in a minute) because today I had milk for him again.  (he doesn't give up, you have to give him that.)  I am so torn...should I be googling how to help my child wean or how to increase my milk supply?  He says bubble and clock and so many other things.  He loves sweets and books and being outside.  He is always up for a walk.  He is a good sleeper but still gets up at around 4am to nurse sometimes.  He is really screamy and icky if he doesn't get enough sleep so we try to make sure he does.  :)  He still hasn't touched the Christmas presents under the tree and I cannot believe it.  Maybe his babysitter taught him that??  (I fully expected to be packing them all back up until Christmas Eve.)  He can unzip his jammies (uh oh) and put on his shoes (mostly.)  He is still pretty easy and I am grateful for that.

This is a quick synopsis of my parenting head this week.  My kids drive me absolutely nuts most evenings.  I honestly feel like I am running a 3 ring circus only all the rings intersect and fight with each other.  If I let myself, I can feel pretty sorry for myself that THIS is my life...breaking up fights and sending kids to their rooms, all while making dinner that maybe 2 out of 3 of them will eat and one of them will surely throw on the floor.  I feel like I hate it sometimes and would just love to walk out the front door and come back when they're all in bed.  They make me sick sometimes.  It is so hard sometimes. 

But then they do go to bed and I get some rest and I wake up and am ready to do it all over again.  I want to give them big hugs and am actually happy to see them.  How does that work? 

I love being their mom.  I don't always love the work it involves but does anyone love their job all the time?  Of course not.  And it's a job I feel so incredibly blessed to have.  I need to pray more, that's for sure.  I need a thankful heart and not feel sorry for myself.  But I also need to just say sometimes, "THIS IS SO HARD."  Because it is.

But I know it's worth it.



  1. It is hard! I can relate to so many things you posted, especially the cooking dinner part. Oh man, that is one of the worst times in our house. You are an incredible mom Stephanie! You understand your children and take the time to understand their uniqueness.
    (Maddox only wears a couple shirts and pants, and they are often dirty when he wears them).

    Love you!!

  2. I nodded my head through your entire post. Yes yes yes it's a crazy ride we are on, isn't it? 3 ring circus is totally the way I would describe many nights around here, especially with it being too cold for t hem to get their ya yas out outside.

    But you summed it up perfectly. As much as they drive me CRAZY, I am always happy to see them after a break and ready to go round the merry go round with them another day.

    I am also starting to get the whole "it all goes by so quickly" feeling. Those days that last forever somehow add up to years that fly by. I don't get how that math works but it does.

    Thanks for his post. Nice reflection on the wild and wonderful world we are in.


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