I wrote most of this post yesterday afternoon but the kids came home and I couldn't finish. I'm happy to report that we think a molar is the culprit with Nicky and that he slept ALL night last night. And mama did, too! Hooray! Now, go read my long, heartfelt post if you've got a while. :) It's so hard to say stuff without sounding corny sometimes. xoxo
I am kind of like a zombie today. Between us, Patrick and I were up 6 times with Nicky last night. He has had a cold for a couple of days but spiked a fever last night and was pretty miserable. I had plans for today (volunteering & grocery shopping) and plans for tonight (walk & dinner with a friend) and it all had to be cancelled...such a bummer. Nicky has been pretty clingy today but not too bad and thankfully he's slept for a long time this afternoon. I've been trying to nap for the last hour but it just didn't happen. (I might have drifted off for 5 minutes.) This afternoon will involve coffee, that is for sure.
I wanted to write a little about what happened to me last Sunday. It was remarkable in that it was one of those times that I felt God was giving me SUCH a clear message. So clear that it couldn't be missed. Made even clearer by the fact that it also happened about a month and a half ago. (I heard you this time, Lord. :) )
The message on Sunday was based on the book of Ruth, a very small book in the Old Testament that tells a story about seemingly random people that we never really hear about again in the Bible. Oh, except one of them gave birth to the great, great, great, great...grandfather of King David. That's all. :) Pastor Tim spoke about how we are so focused in on the day to day business of living our lives that it can sometimes take years to see the bigger picture of what "else" might have been going on the whole time. That we don't always see what God has planned for us or how what we are doing right now, however meaningless or insignificant it might seem to us, most likely is important to something in our own or someone else's future.
I know that being a mother is not insignificant. I know that. But how does it feel to me sometimes? Insignificant. My life has seemed and felt very insignificant to me at times these past months. It's hard to explain because there are so many layers here. On one hand, I love staying home with Nicky and raising him like I did James and Ruby. On the other hand, I am SO sick of my day revolving around a child's day.
There. I said it. I am sick of not doing what I want. Go ahead and call me selfish, Lord knows I've thought that about myself enough.
It's hard to explain the guilt I felt (and still feel, to some extent) about being sick of something that has been, and still continues to be (!), such a gift for myself and my family. How can I be sick of such a phenomenal blessing? It just makes me feel ashamed of myself.
But, wait a minute. Do I look down on my friends and family members who are also mothers that work? Of course not! I've always known that everybody needed/wanted different things and envied them a little bit, even. It was all good. Except, of course, when I started feeling that it wasn't all good for myself.
The confusing part is this: I am pretty darn happy. I feel so thankful. I enjoy my time with Nicky and James and Ruby. I'm not ready to give that up. I'm not walking around here grumpy or angry or depressed. But there is this new thought in there now, mixed in with the rest, "I am kind of sick of this."
So on Sunday, there I was. I heard what Pastor Tim was saying but heard even louder what God was saying to me. He knows exactly how I feel, better than I could ever describe here, and He's okay with it. He loves me and I don't believe that He sees this particular struggle as a character flaw. (There are plenty of those, don't worry. :) ) I think he gets that I am so thankful but also that I might be weary. You know how they say admitting it is the first step? I feel like I finally got to admit it, in my heart, to myself and right to God, and He gave me a big hug in return and reminded me that this life of mine is not insignificant to Him. He knows what is planned for me...where all of this is going, and what my big picture is. (even if I never fully know it, He knows.)
And then, if all of that wasn't enough and I wasn't already sitting there and crying, the worship team started one of the final songs of the day. Now, the service I go to is mostly contemporary music with some hymns thrown in here and there and I have to say, I don't ever remember them singing this song before. (although they probably have.) The song was Blessed Assurance (had to ask on Facebook because I couldn't remember the name!) and hearing it immediately brought me back to Ogden Avenue Baptist Church with good old Glen Barnes singing his heart out up at the pulpit. This is significant because that was about 25 years ago and around the time that I first came to know God. I just felt like that song was another super clear message to me...God knew I would remember and that I'd remember where I first heard it and that I'd be reminded that He is and always has been with me. I just felt so loved and accepted. Is there a feeling any better?
I guess I still don't know what lies ahead for me. Selling on Ebay has been really fun and it's great to have something "else" for me to think about and to be making some extra money for our family. If you ask me today, I totally do not want to send Nicky to day care and go to work. Maybe another day a week? Maybe, but not even that right now. I think just admitting my feelings helped me feel better about it all. I don't feel ashamed anymore. I'm kind of bored with this stay at home mom gig and that is totally okay. Who knows what the future holds!
This was such a good reminder for me to go to God with my stuff. I don't think it's a sin to struggle with something...even if it's a blessing in your life. Who said blessings are always going to be easy? Who said feelings would never change? No one.
If there's something in your life that you're struggling with or hiding - from God or yourself or both - go find Him. I bet He has something He wants to tell you. :)